Of bronze and blaze The north, to-night! So adequate its forms, So preconcerted with itself, So distant to alarms, -- An unconcern so sovereign To universe, or me, It paints my simple spirit With tints of majesty, Till I take vaster attitudes, And strut upon my stem, Disdaining men and oxygen, For arrogance of them.

My splendors are menagerie; But their competeless show Will entertain the centuries When I am, long ago, An island in dishonored grass, Whom none but daisies know.

-Emily Elizabeth Dickinson

When you walked away, I was left with nothing. Or, at least, that was how I felt. You were everything to me. I invested so much time, effort, love - so much of myself - into our relationship. So much so that at times, I felt that there was no me, but only us. We became that couple that does everything together, the couple that speaks in ‘we’ and that is always expected to be or show up together. We were together for three years - three years of love that I never thought was possible before. I thought that we had everything we needed, that we were both so satisfied with what we had. I know that I thought that, but I felt that so did you, as well as other people around us. As it turned out, however, you didn’t.

"I thought that we had everything we needed, that we were both so satisfied with what we had... As it turned out, however, you didn’t."

The day you left started as a normal day. I made you coffee in the morning, we had our usual breakfast, and discussed the day we each had ahead of us. I came back home from work in good spirits and found you already waiting for me by the table. As I came closer, I could tell something wasn’t right. Something in your eyes, something in your posture - it didn’t seem right. After all, when spending three years with a person, you get to know them. You learn them. And I definitely learned you. I knew from the moment I saw you that day that something was not the same.

I tried to delay it as long as I could. Ran all over the kitchen making us dinner. Shared with you every detail of the day I had, as irrelevant as it may be. Finally, you had enough and asked me to sit down. You said that you had to discuss something important with me. Unwillingly and anxiously, I gave in and sat down. I could tell from your face that it was difficult for you, that you didn’t know how to say it. I wanted you to not finish the thought, to say it was nothing and that everything is fine. But, eventually, you let it out. “I’ve been feeling unhappy lately,” you said. “What is it?” I asked, hesitantly. You talked about how you were feeling stuck in our relationship, how you felt consumed by it. You said that there is no way to fix it. You wanted out of the relationship.

"I almost vanished when you left, but I wasn’t willing to let that happen."
I Still Have Me

I sat there silently, speechless. I didn’t know what to say. You said that you were sorry and that this is the right thing for both of us. You took out a suitcase from the bedroom and left. I didn’t know what to do next, where to go from here. This feeling stuck with me for months after you left, and I couldn’t shake it off me. I was miserable during these months. I didn’t know where to go from here, how to carry on without you. I felt alone, abandoned, incompetent without you by my side. As these months passed, I saw myself sinking further and further down. The me I was before you, the me I was with you, the me I was after you - they were all disappearing. I almost vanished when you left, but I wasn’t willing to let that happen.

I had to put myself back on track, to get 'me' back. When I was at my lowest point, it finally hit me that I was about to lose myself in it all. Throughout everything that had happened, I had me, and I still do. I shouldn’t lose myself and disappear because you left. I have to hold myself up, keep myself strong, and keep it going. I had to realize that I have myself to support me in all the hard and dark times. I needed to love myself again, to acknowledge my worth and strength. I may have felt like I don’t have much without you, but that's not the truth. I have so much in me, so much to offer and give - to myself and others. Looking back, losing you was one of the best experiences I went through because during that process, I found myself. Yes, I may not have you anymore, but I still have me. Always. And that is all I need.

Reality Is Relative